A day in the life...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Ever have one of those days when you know before you even get out of bed that it's not going to be good? Let me tell you a little story...

The other day, I woke up later than usual. So already, I'm behind. Great. As soon as I open my eyes, I realize that my head hurts. Now I'm behind and I have a headache. It's gonna be a great day...

I'm in the bathroom, doing the normal morning routine - washing my face, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair. Then I try to look at the back of my hair in the mirror when I realize I'm holding the hairbrush and not a mirror. Please note: this does not work.

Moving on to makeup...everything is going pretty well now. Maybe everything will be okay. Sigh of relief. Oh, no. Wait. Blinked while the mascara wand was against my upper lashes. Now my eye is watering & I have a ton of mascara under my eye. Pretty. Maybe I should leave it there - it speaks to my state of mind.
I manage to fix things (I think - it's hard to know for sure when you can't open your eye all the way) - and it's back to the bathroom to pop in the contacts & give the hair one more spritz of hairspray. %#@*!!!! Apparently my eyes are open enough to take a direct stream of hairspray. Well, that really sucked.

I'm afraid to venture out of the house, but I really need to go to Walgreens. I'm starting to sweat. It's just up the street - less than a mile - and I only need a couple of things. It should be okay. Man up!! Be brave!!

Got the car out of the garage & down the driveway without mishap. That's a good sign! Hey! I made it to the end of the street - I can see Walgreens - I'm almost there. I start to smile.
There's a dark green Saturn Sky that made it to the 4-way stop ahead of me. Who is that driving? OMG BECKY. It's a little old lady. Like ancient old. Older than, well, the oldest thing you can think of...WTF is she doing in a sportscar? She can barely see over the steering wheel. She's pulling out into the intersection...wait...wait...wait...she's still in the intersection...wait...wait...wait...she's going into the right turning lane. Wait. Wait. Wait...no, she's going into the left turning lane...wait...wait...wait...oh, she's just going to straddle the lanes.

OMG BECKY AGAIN. She's going straight - just like me. Whew! She's getting into the other lane. Wait. Wait. Wait...no, she's getting back in front of me. Wait. Wait. Wait. She's inching back over into the other lane. No, no - she's going to turn into Walgreens from the wrong lane. 'Kay.
There are at least 10 open spaces that I can see...she's turning left into the parking lot. Wait. Wait. Wait. She's stopped. In the middle of the parking lot. Can't get around her - can't back up. She's just sitting there. Wait - she's moving now. There are two open spots together - I think she's going to park there. She's inching forward. Inching. Inching. Stopped. IN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. THE. PARKING. LOT. AGAIN. Waiting...

Oh, she's moving again. Inching forward. Inching forward. She's halfway in the spot. Well, she's between the two spaces, but I don't care how she parks, I just want her to get the hell out of my way. MOVE THE CAR!! I may have made a rude hand gesture at this point.

I drive around to the other side of the parking lot, park my car, walk about 50 feet to the door - and she is just getting out of her car. **takes a deep breath and prays that she doesn't get in front of me in the checkout line** (BTW - she's about 4 feet tall and is wearing a wig in one of those incredibly unnatural colors.)

Oh, please! They're out of Snickers and Twix bars? WTF?? How can they be out of Snickers and Twix bars? I need these for an Easter basket. I don't want to go to another store! The little voice in the back of my head is laughing it's ass off and I am not amused. I wonder if a shot of tequila would shut that little f-er up?
Great! There's only one person in line ahead of me. Now I can just get out of here and go home where it's relatively safe. OMG. She's just standing there chatting with the cashier. Chatting, chatting, chatting. Um, hello? Another person in line here! OMG. SHE'S WRITING A CHECK. Who writes a check these days? Does she have any of it filled out in advance? NO. Writing. Writing. Talking. Writing. Laughing. Talking. Writing. Is there steam coming out of my ears yet? PEOPLE!!!! If you must write a check, please fill out as much as possible before getting in line!!

Finally. She's picking up her bag. Oh, no. Wait. She forgot something. OMG. The cashier is getting it for her!! Please tell me this isn't happening. There are five people in line & this is the only cashier. Oh, please, please!! DO NOT WRITE ANOTHER CHECK. No, no, it's worse. She's scrounging in her bottomless handbag for change to pay for it. Oh, there's a quarter! Dig, dig, dig. Here's another quarter! I can't even pretend to not be aggravated at this point. Brilliant cashier decides to call for another cashier. Why bother now?

Shut up, voice - I hear you laughing your ass off. You are so getting a shot of tequila when I get home.
Things will be better tomorrow. They can't get worse. Can they? They can't, right?